Funny Things Kids Say

One of my 1st graders was coughing countinously. I asked him if he needed to get a drink. He said, "No, if I drink too much then it makes me have to pee......pause.......(as he continues working) "If I eat to much I have to poop." Huh.

During center clean-up time a Kindergarten student asked if he could knock down a castle someone had made. The other student said, "Say the magic word." The other child's response..."Abracadabra!" Well, I guess that is a magic word...

As told by our music teacher: During 3rd grade music class we were singing a song that had the word "barrel" in it. One student asked, "What's a barrel?" Another student replied with, "You don't know what a barrel is?!?! It's what monkeys come i!"

I thought about doing one of these dances at my wedding.

White & Nerdy

Email That Made Me Laugh

I received the following email from my friend Pam today:

Went to UNplugged in the park = Free

Beer at the venue = $5

Regina Specktor cd = $15

Dinner at Mellow Mushroom = $23

Taxi to get to Mid Town Towing = $27

Release of car from towing company = $130

Getting to the impound lot to find out your car wasn't there and having to wait over an hour all the while being told it was on a flat bed truck on its way over and another misadventure with Brandon = priceless

Scrapbooking SNL Parody

You should really have used "Richard".

I got this picture from Unicylce's blog.

You might be a school employee if...

I got this as a forward in my email today. I chose to post my favorite ones:

2. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 4 and have summers free."

3. You can tell if it's a full moon without looking outside.

4. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own check box on a report card.

6. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

9. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

10. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

12. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

13. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.

16. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

Not That Kind of Housewife!

I am doing a letter writing unit with my 4th and 5th graders. Many of my friends have offered to write a student in my class. Yesterday I went over the list of volunteers with my 5th grade class. As I was telling my students about each person on the list (their name, occupation, where they live, etc...) one of my students asked, "What kind of job is a Stay-at-Home mom?". I began to explain that Stay-at-Home moms usually had children that were too young to go to school so the moms "stayed at home" until the children are ready for school. I also explained that they did most of the house cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc... Here is where I made my mistake: Then I said, "A Stay-at-Home mom is sometimes called a homemaker or a housewife." Two students (one boy and one girl) in unison yelled out, "like Desperate Housewives!". "No, No, No! Stay at home moms are absolutely nothing like Desperate Housewives!. That show is not real. Life is not at all like Desperate Housewives!", I yelled. (Well, not usually...)

Bathroom Break

Today one of my 5th grade students was taking an unusual amount of time in the restroom. Here's what another teacher overheard in the bathroom:

Boy 1: "What's that noise? Do you hear that? It sounds like beeps."
Boy 2: "Duh, it's a Game Boy."

The two boys came out of the bathroom and reported that "their was another boy playing with a Game Boy in one of the stalls."

I confronted the "Game Boy" Boy when he left the restroom. I told him to hand over the Game Boy. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. After rolling his eyes and smacking his lips at me, he gave up the Game Boy.

New Words For 2006

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube Farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Political Humor

I'm not usually one for political humor, however I saw this clip on Leno and I thought it was pretty funny. Click on this link, then click on "Monologues" and then click on "Crazy George is having a huge, blow-out sale".

I've watched it more than once and it makes me laugh every time.

You must view the video clip of this boy singing and dancing. I found it to be very entertaining, although that's not saying much.

Gas Sign

I stole this sign from Colleen's blog.

Something "low key and relaxing"...

My aunt was talking to my grandmother on the phone the other night and at the end of the conversation my grandmother said that she was tired. She said she was going to watch a little T.V. before going to bed. She wanted to watch something "low key and relaxing".

After checking the T.V. Guide my grandmother told my aunt that she was either going to watch Nick at Night or Silence of the Lambs. I could see how the title "Silence of the Lambs" sounds low key and relaxing.

Smart Student

This kid is not the sharpest crayon in the box!

Spit and Steve Harvey

Spit
I was reading an interview with Will Farrell in the latest Disney Adventures magazine. The interview was about the new movie Kicking and Screaming. Will Farrell made a reference to his freshman basketball coach. Will said that his coach was really "over the top. He would get so excited that spit would fly out of his mouth." That made me think of my high school choir director, Mr. M.. When he would really get into a song, you could see the sweat on the armpits of his shirt and spit would fly out of his mouth too. The spit would also start to clump in the corners of his mouth. I remember my friends and I used to get really grossed out!

Steve Harvey
Today's hot topic during 5th grade reading was Sunday night's episode of the Steve Harvey show on the WB. Apparently there was a woman that used her large breasts to crush a beer can. Nothing like Sunday night T.V. with mom and dad...

Funnies

Funny #1:
Teacher - "Where is your mother's fiance?"
Student - "My mama told me not to tell you that he is in jail."

Funny #2 (Not Really) but I Had To Share:
Last Friday I had a heart-to-heart with a student I will refer to as Eeyore. The conversation was about how life is not as bad as he thought it was yadda, yadda, yadda. This weeks goal for Eeyore was to turn something he saw as negative into something positive. Today his mom came to school to check him out early...beacuse their house had just burned down and they were going to stay with the grandmother. Yeah, I feel like a real ass. I can't wait to see Eeyore again.

Negative: house burned down
Positive: uhhhh, you get a few days out of school becasue you have to go to your grandmother's house...

No Child Left Behind: The Football Version

1. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time and in the same conditions. No exceptions will be made for interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL.

3. Talented players will be asked to workout on their own without instruction. This is because the coaches will be using all their instructional time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited athletic ability or whose parents don't like football.

4. Games will be played year round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th and 11th games.

5. This will create a New Age of sports where every school is expectedto have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.............

What's new in da hood?

Last week some of my 5th grade students got creative with their writing on St. Patrick's Day. Instead of writing about "what would you do if you found a pot of gold" or "the day a leprechaun came to school", this group of student's decided to write about "Leprechauns in da Hood". I haven't read the stories but I am sure they will be entertaining.