That's what I thought...

I often read the blog Mingaling for it's open and honest posts. I have never been able to accurately describe my anxiety-related depression until I read her latest post. It’s word-for-word how I used to feel all the time. The blue text are passages that ring especially true for me.

"I’m not shy when it comes to my personal experiences with anxiety-related depression. However, there are two distinct camps on the topic of depression: those that do something about it, and those that don’t. I find myself in the former, taking my little pill every day (it’s getting smaller, too!), having done my rounds of therapy, and possessing an intense desire not to let this ever come between me and living.

Some say it’s too easy for me to say this without having experienced the depth of darkness that others seem to be in. Others agree with me: suck it up. I can’t really engage in the contest of “who’s more depressed? I deserve more sympathy! me me me!” Instead, I’m going to just focus on me, what I’m doing for me, and mostly, the “doing” part.

No, I’ve never entertained thoughts of suicide - not for one damn second. I couldn’t do that to my family, I’m sacked with too much responsibility, plus I was raised a “pull up your bootstraps” kind of gal. I have had a day or three of staying in bed (thankfully none in a good long while). Those days are hard, especially when you’re facing some unpredictable options. My imagination has a tendency to run wild with terror in the face of certain prospects (what if this? what if that? zomg, it’s too much!). If I don’t have the balls to face the issue, then I’ll slink back to that dark, cool spot on the bed and hide like a coward. Coward is the perfect term for it, as I consciously know what I’m doing and give myself shit for doing so the entire time. Nothing like being depressed AND giving yourself crap for it. I don’t care, though. I’m never going to that dark place again."

-Originally posted by Mingaling

What Santa Brought Me For Christmas...

He brought me a nice, cruddy cold complete with ear aches and sore throat. I have been so diligent about taking my vitamins this school year I was hoping to make it through the first semester illness free. Technically I did, since I didn't get sick until I was on Winter Break! Other than my lips having a weird reaction to some salsa I ate this fall, I haven't had a full blown cold or stomach thing all semester. I think I just wore myself out the week before Christmas and defiantly did not get enough sleep.

Gotta go blow my nose, again...

Feeling a bit better...

Okay, so I am starting to feel human again. Even with being sick, I have managed to get stuff done this week. I did miss the past two days of my staff development class but I have some friends in the class that got my goodies for me.

Things I have accomplished this week:
1. finished my LAST big paper for grad school - WOO HOO!
2. went for my yearly physical - I'm officially fat but otherwise healthy.
3. booked my DJ and limo service.
4. booked my video services.
5. attended one day of staff development class.
6. paid bills and balanced my checkbook.

The rest of the week I need to:
1. attend two days of staff development.
2. pick up my car from the body shop.
3. do two loads of laundry.
4. go shopping at the Scrapbook Expo Friday afternoon!
5. go to grad school all day Saturday - yuck:(
6. organize wedding paperwork.
7. most importantly, spend some time with my honey.
8. take my dad out for a birthday dinner and movie on Sunday.

I still feel like shit...

So I caught Pink Eye on the 4th along with a sore throat. The sore throat has turned into "so much crap in my throat now I have laryngitis". I have a staff development class from 8 - 3 all week. I am not looking forward to sitting in class feeling like crap. On Tuesday I go for my yearly physical and I am going to ask the doc for some prescription strength "get this funk out of my throat" medicine.

Gross

Ugh! I have pink eye! I think I got it at a water park last Sunday because 2 other people I went with ended up with pink eye as well. It sucks. And it's nasty looking too. Yuck.

My Mouth and a Ring

I am still dying over here. I went back to the dentist today. He said they are healing up well but that I won't really begin to feel pain relief for a few more days. Are you freakin' kidding me?!

In other, more exciting news, my good friend Leana got engaged! She is on a trip with her man in Ireland. Leana emailed everyone to let us know that Sam proposed!

I hate to complain...

BUT this shit REALLY hurts! My jaw is sooooo freakin' sore. I can hardly open my mouth. I took some more drugs. I hope they kick in soon.

Dear God!

I really did not think I would have this much pain but I guess waiting to get your wisdom teeth out until you are 28 might have something to do with that. The pain really did not start kicking in until around 3. I took some pain meds but it made my nausea worse. My dad has gone to get me a pain med with anti-nausea stuff in it. My throat is really sore too. I am sore up to my freakin' ears. Like a Strep Throat kind sore.

The surgery went well. I don't think I said anything embarrassing. My mom did say that I asked her (in front of the doctor) "Mom, doesn't Dr. Ellis remind you of Phil Dahanue?" I don't know how to spell the last name but he was that famous talk show guy in the 80's. But seriously, he really minds me of Phil. Weird.

If I don't feel better tomorrow I will miss Nikki's Bridal Tea and the Scrapbook Expo! Okay, back to the couch to ice my face. I'm a little swollen but no bruising yet!

Teeth

I am getting my wisdom teeth removed on Friday. I wasn't too nervous a few weeks ago but now that it's right around the corner I am getting a little anxious. Just the thought of what they have to do to get the teeth out gives me the creeps.

One of my best friend's mom will be working on my mouth. She will also be in the recovery room. I hope I don't say anything stupid or embarrassing. I have only been "under" two times and both times I said things I would never normally say to strangers.

Quote #1: "These damn kids are always getting me sick. That's why I'm here. Those damn kids!"

Quote #2: (Saying this to the nurse) "You know, those are the ugliest shoes I have ever seen." I thought my mother was going to crawl under her chair. What's strange was that I could not even see the nurses shoes from the position I was laying in.

I need to be better...

at doing my physical therapy exercises at home. About a month ago I started having some major knee pain. It was mainly hurting after I had been sitting with my knees bent, squatting down to pick something up, or walking down stairs. There were two time when my knee suddenly gave out. And sometimes it made a popping sound when I bent it. Both knees hurt but my right one is the worst. I went to the doctor and I had to list any injury or stress to my knee as far back as I could remember. I remember falling on the basketball court, right on my knee when I was in elementary school. I will never forget that pain. I fell once in step aerobics class in college. I also strained my knee on a leg press machine in college. That's really all I could think of. The doctor said that I probably have Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome or Chondromalacia Patellae. They are basically the same thing and common in women.

I went to 4 physical therapy sessions at the end of April. I need to go back for at least 4 more sessions but I have to leave work early to get to physical therapy. I did notice results from the therapy. The physical therapist gave me exercises to do at home. I should do them everyday. But I have been slack (only like 3 times a week) and now my knee hurts again.

End of the year stuff is just keeping me so busy and exhausted. Every day after work it seems that I have something else to do besides go to the gym or do my knee exercises. Not to mention the 45 minute+ drive that I have after work. Today was the only day I did not have something after school. I should have went to the gym but I was slack. I will have to get back on track after May 26th.

Health Ramblings

I am so glad I am starting to feel better! God, that stomach crap was really rough! My dad is sick now with the same stomach thing. My mom has some sinus thing goin' on. We canceled my Aunt's b'day dinner tonight. She really didn't need to come and spend time with the "Sickleys".

You know what sucks? I'll tell ya what sucks - always being know as the sick one. Hearing things like, "You're always sick.", "You're sick again?", "Tiffany, you know the girl with all the stomach problems.", "Weren't you sick last week, month, year, whatever?" and "It's all in her head, she's really not sick." YEAH - because I like being sick, feeling like shit, getting behind at work, being contagious, etc.... Being sick is freakin' GREAT!

I'm really not that "sickley". When I was in elementary and middle school it was always the yearly strep infection and seasonal "swimmer's" ear infections. I don't consider that major. In late middle school early high school I started having stomach issues. Yes, some of this is partly due to me being the "Nervous Nelly" type and from my dad fucking with my family. But I got help in that area and I am able to control my stomach to the best of my ability.

Then during my last year in high school and into my first two years of college, I would get terrible heartburn. The kind that would last for weeks at a time. The pain would go straight to my back. I still went to school and work but I was in constant pain. I had lots of tests done. Always with the same result: lots of acid in my stomach = new heartburn/acid reducer prescriptions.

I was sick of being sick so while I was on winter break I was looking at the Mayo Health Clinic website trying to find out what the hell was wrong with my stomach. I found my answer. At first, my doctor refused to do the simple blood test to see if I had H. Plyori (spelling???) bacteria. My test was positive. I had to go on 3 months of heavy drug treatment. A year later I had to do the treatment again. Sometimes it can take up to 3 treatments. Anyways, I have been clean of that bacteria for a while and it's great!

Now that I have been teaching I usually get the stomach thing once or twice a year and strep once a year. Now I realize this might be more than the average person but I don't think that I am getting sick too much. Considering I work in a low-income elementary school where germs run wild!

And yes, I did teach for 2 days while having an appendicitis. I went straight from the school nurse's office to the ER. I just didn't want to admit that I was sick!

I have allergies too but who doesn't if you live in Atlanta.

I have a sensitive stomach. One day wheat stuff bothers me and sends me running to the bathroom and other days I could eat a loaf of whole wheat bread and be fine. I just have to watch what I eat. If it makes me sick I don't eat it for a while. No big deal.

Okay - to summarize (if anyone is still reading) my current yearly illnesses:
* 1-2 stomach bugs
* 1 strep infection
* 1-2 "colds"
* fall/spring allergies
* sensitive stomach

I don't think that my health looks to bad. I have all my cholesterol, sugars, etc, tests done every year. Those always come back great. My blood pressure if great. The only thing my doctors tell me is to lose weight and floss more.

I guess maybe if you are around me a lot it may seem like I am sick with something all the time. But if you ask me, "Hey you sound like you are getting a cold or you look like you don't feel well" and I reply with "Yeah, just my allergies (or stomach) acting up." Don't be like, "God, your sick all the time!" I think I will start lying to people if they ask how I am feeling.

Basically all I wanted to say in this post is that I am tired of hearing people make comments about me being sick all the time.

Sick

I have been sick with strep throat and some stomach bug. I will be back soon...

I'm Feeling Human Again

I am finally feeling better. I went back to work on Wednesday. I have a ton of papers to grade! Many of my students are sick with one thing or another. I'm just glad that tomorrow is Friday.

Yuck

I feel pretty shity. I started feeling bad on Wednesday night...a dry, annoying cough. By noon on Thursday I was hacking up clumpy green junk. So I went to the doctor. Seems that I have a sinus infection and bronchitis. By Friday morning my throat was killing me. I swear I have strep too.

I hope to be feeling better by Sunday night. I have to go to work on Monday. My student teacher (Miss S) was left with a new sub on Friday. I called Miss S at lunch and she said the morning group did fine. One of my co-workers called later that afternoon to tell me about how awful my 5th graders were to Miss S. My co-worker warned them that when I get back they will be in big trouble. Some of these kids have had me for 2 years and they know what I expect. Do they really think that I won't find out that they were acting like complete jerks?

Anyways, while I was sick, Susan came in town. We had dinner on Thursday night with one of our sorority sisters that we have not seen in a few years. We had a great time hanging out at her house. Susan stayed with me Thursday night. She had two schools to visit on Friday - she is thinking about moving up this way - yeah!

Supin can up to see me Friday night. He brought me soup and flowers. He stayed (even thought I warned him that I was contagious) and we watched Spiderman. He rubbed my back and played with my hair...in between my coughing and nose blowing. I thought that was really sweet of him to come and see me even. I am sure I looked really cute. I was suppose to go out to lunch with him and his family tomorrow for Chinese New Year. I seriously doubt I'll be able to make it.

I am going to go back to bed. My head and chest are so full of shit that I can hardly think. By the way, have you ever coughed so much that you start to gag???

Thanksgiving Wrap-Up

Thanksgiving Day:

• Attended the 4th Annual Turkey Bowl - my man's team won!
• Started my period which was accompanied by some pleasant "crampage".
• Had lunch at Supin's parent's house. His parents were nice. His mom was really quiet and his dad like to talk a lot. I tried to use chopsticks. Supin's dad thought it would be funny to put peanuts on my plate to see if I could pick those up - not funny. Supin said his parents liked me...I think I would have gotten a lot of bonus points if I were Asian.
• Had dinner at my parent's house. It went well - got the parents approval.
• Went to Howie's (Supin's cousin) house to watch a movie with him and his girlfriend Ashley.
• I talked to my family in Florida. It was hard not being able to talk to my brother. It didn't help that I was all extra emotional from my period.

Friday:

• I worked at Archiver's from 9-3.
• I bought some paper (ki memories) to make my Christmas cards. It's last year's Christmas line. I wasn't as impressed with this year's line.
• Went with Supin to a friends house to watch games on tv, play board games and cards. I am now addicted to the game Sequence.
• Started feeling sick to my stomach around 2am. I stayed at Supin's house over night but I felt like shit the whole time.

Saturday:

• Left Supin's house around noon.
• Came home and started having major gastrointestinal issues around 2pm.
• Spent the rest of the day and night in the bathroom and bed.

Sunday:

• I started feeling a little better around noon. I pretty much slept all day.
• My stomach feels much better now. I am just dizzy from not eating for two days.

Stomach Funk and Other News

I've had some kind of stomach funk the past few days...it's left me feeling pretty shitty (ha ha).

This past weekend I saw some friends and Supin. Nothing super exciting but it was relaxing.

Nothing new at work. There was a teacher work day on Monday. I didn't get to "work". I was in a meeting all day. I did get some useful information for myself and my department so I guess it wasn't a complete waste of time.

Looking Ahead: Thursday night I have my monthly Bunco game at Julie's. Friday night I am having dinner with Supin. Saturday I am going with Supin to a couples baby shower. If weather permits, I am going to go with Pam, Brandon and Little Miss Cora to the pumpkin patch sometime this weekend.

I hope I start feeling better soon. I am tired of the bathroom being my best friend.

Strep Throat

Yes, I have strep throat. I will be out of work for 2 days. I feel like shit. It's been awhile since I have had strep throat. I forgot about the excruciating pain it causes.

I am shrinking...

I had my measurements taken at the gym yesterday. After training with Nadine for 6 weeks I have lost inches everywhere!

Waist: -2.0 inches
Hips: -1.75 inches
Thighs: -1.25 inches
Neck: -0.5 inches
Chest: -0.75 inches
Biceps: -0.5 inches
Forearms: -0.5 inches
Calves: -0.25 inches

Psycho Girl

I met Psycho Girl at the gym yesterday. She came up to me at the end of my training session with Nadine (Nadine a.k.a. "Let Me Kick Your Ass Into Shape"). Psycho Girl introduces herself by saying, "I don't want you to think I am some kind of psycho girl but I have been watching you since you started working out with her (pointing to my Let Me Kick Your Ass trainer). I can tell you are making a lot of progress." She left by saying something to the effect of "Keep up the good work." Now I did not think she was psycho but when I told friends and family the story they said things like: "Yep, she is psycho." or "Was she looking for a new girlfriend?"

Now I did not think this was weird at all. I have seen this chick at the gym before. She appears to be a "non-psycho" type person. Before I chose a trainer I watched different trainers working with clients for about a month. Maybe Psycho girl was "watching me" because she wanted to see what kind of trainer Nadine is. Regardless of Psycho Girl's motive for giving me a compliment, I was happy to hear someone say they could see a "noticeable" difference.

After Psycho Girl left Nadine was back to business. We were ending our session with deadlifts (which I happen to like). As I was finishing the last exercise Nadine was telling me how my strength was increasing. She mentioned that I was able to lift heavier weights. Then she says (with a smile), "Yeah, you will probably be a little sore tomorrow." I said, "You mean, you KNOW I am going to be REALLY sore tomorrow, right?" She laughed and said, "Yeah, pretty much. See you on Thursday!"

Yuck

I spent the weekend (including Monday) in the bathroom...with the stomach flu. So, those really bad cramps I was having were not "period" cramps. They were the "you work with little germy kids who come to school sick and spread their germs" kind of cramps. I am just starting to feel better. The last time I had severe vomiting it landed me in the hospital having my appendix removed!

I returned to work today to major "drama". Something terrible...I mean really terrible happened to a student and his/her family. Keri, who is a first year teacher, was pretty upset. Uhhhh...sometimes there is too much to deal with!