While on vacation...

three years ago today I was woken around midnight with a call from the hospital telling me that my little brother was killed in a 4-wheeler accident. I then had to tell my immediate and extended family. The whole night is a blur. I know I didn't sleep for 2 days. By 2am my extended family that lived in town and church members were sitting in my family's living room. My parents were a wreck, my sisters were in disbelief and I was in complete shock. This was one way I didn't expect my vacation to go. The text below was written in the program at my brother's funeral. Even thought the words are so true, it doesn't make the fact that my brother is never coming back any easier.

I'm free.
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took is hand when I heard him call.
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day.
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void, then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with these times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full. I savored much.
Good friends, good times. A loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me.
God wanted me now.
He set me free.

I leave tomorrow morning to visit my family and friends in Clearwater. It's going to be a hard trip but I am looking forward to seeing everyone.

2 years ago today...

There are still no words for my feelings. I don't think there ever will be.

Memories

2004 - The last 4th of July I would spent with my brother.

Peter - July 4, 2004

One year ago I was preparing to bury my little brother. I still can't believe he is gone. I can't seem to comprehend it. The 4th was hard. I had been dreading the holiday. Next to Christmas, the 4th of July was my brothers favorite holiday. He LOVED fireworks. Every year I would get my brother and sisters 4th of July shirts from Old Navy. He never got a chance to wear the 2005 shirt. I gave it to him the day before he passed away.

This 4th of July Supin and I spent the afternoon at the Southern Athletic Club, watched fireworks and then went to see Superman 3D at the IMAX theater. It was a fun day but it was so hard not to think about my brother. Losing someone close to you has got to be the WORST feeling in the world. I knew that the first 4th of July without Peter would be hard. I don't think it will ever be easy.

Now I am off for some therapy...scrapbooking:)

Remembering

my brother. Last Sunday would have been my little brother's 16th birthday. He was born on Memorial Day in 1990. Someone at my brother's school started a My Space account in memory of my brother. I thought that was kind of sweet but it sort of pissed me off too. I'm not sure why.

Pete

I'm Back

Supin and I had a nice time in Florida. The weather was wonderful! I got a pretty good tan. It feels nice to have some color again. I got to spend some time with my sisters. We went to Taylor's track meet, the beach and played in the hotel pool. I went to visit my brother's grave. It was weird. Going back to Clearwater, the house, the school...it was all really weird without my brother there. The family is different too, everyone has changed a little. Not necessarily bad, just different. I also went out with some of my old friends. Now it's back to work tomorrow. We start 3 week of standardized testing on Tuesday. I DREAD testing. Click here to see all the pictures from my trip.

Another song I can't listen to...

The song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me was played at my brother's services. I doubt I will ever be able to listen to this song again without crying uncontrollably.

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I
walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your
face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory,
what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be
still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing
hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only
imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself

Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When
all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine.

Fix You by Coldplay

My best friend Pam bought me the Coldplay CD last summer right before I went to Florida to visit my family. No real reason for the CD, she's just a great friend like that!

I loved, loved, loved the CD. I listened to it on the drive to Florida. I tried to listen to it on my way back from Florida but it was too hard. It's still hard to listen to it today. I cry every time I play it.

There is this one song in particular (Fix You) that totally makes me think of my trip to Florida and my brother's death. Read the lyrics below, they are very moving.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep, Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
when you love some one but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

It felt so real.

Monday night my brother came to me in a dream. I was back at my step-mom's house in Clearwater, Florida. I had just walked into the kitchen and sitting at the end of the bar was my brother. I just stopped and was staring at him with my mouth open. A huge feeling of hope/rejoice washed over me. I was in a state of disbelief.

I guess I was starring for quite sometime because my brother finally asked what I was looking at. I tried to talk but I kept stuttering. I was trying to say that I thought he was dead but I was wrong! And that I was so happy he was really alive! My brother kept saying my name. It sounded all muffled.

While all this is happening, I am watching my brother slowly grow up right before my eyes. (If you have ever saw Michael Jackson's video "Black White" it was kind of like that. One person would sort of melt into the next person.) My brother stopped "changing" when he reached what appeared to be a young man in his 20's.

At this point the rest of the family is now in the kitchen with us. I can hear everyone trying to talk to me but again the voices are muffled. I am still trying to talk to my brother when the young man says that he is really someone else and that he is sorry that I thought he was my brother. The feeling I had then was the same feeling that I had when I found out my brother was dead. Then I remember feeling faint and passing out.

I can't begin to tell you how real the dream felt. I am sure that I was crying in my sleep. I have not been able to stop thinking about it. It was the first time since my brother's death that I had a clear picture of him in my mind.

The last time I saw my brother was the night before he died. My family and I were hanging out in the kitchen talking after dinner.

I can't get over how real that dream felt.

Later that same night I had a dream that my biological father was coming after myself and my family in Florida. My biological father was trying to kill all of us. He ended up shooting me, my step-mom's husband and my sister Makayla. I was shot in the hip and I woke up just as he shot me in the shoulder.

Monday night I did not get a restful nights sleep.

One Last Ride

The following is just some stuff I have not been able to write about until now...but it's still hard to write.

The night before my brother passed away I had a "talk" with him and my oldest sister. It was about their stinky, teenage attitudes. I told them that they needed to be grateful for what they had, blah, blah, blah. And that doing the dishes, feeding the dogs and taking out the trash is not a lot for parents to ask. And to stop sighing and rolling their eyes at everything mom and dad say to you. Basically I told them to stop acting like teenagers.

I ended the conversation with, "You never know what could happen tomorrow." I know this sounds cheesy but those were my exact words. I was leaning more towards my stepmom not being there "tomorrow" because I knew how sick she was.

Later that night my oldest sister and brother took the dogs for a walk. Apparently, they were talking about what I had said to them and somehow got started talking about what they each thought was the worst way to die. HOLY FRIGGIN' SHIT - I am sure neither one of them thought that they would die the next day.

The next evening my sisters, stepmom and I were at a ceramics store when my step-mom's husband called. He was just calling to let us know that he and my brother were having a great time riding the 4-wheelers. He said that they were getting ready to go out for one last ride before it got dark. That was the last time my brother was alive. It's so weird. Who would have thought that it was literally going to be my brother's last ride...

June 3, 1990

This is a picture taken of me (please ignore my cool outfit and spiral perm) and my baby brother, Peter. He was just a few days old. I used to call him my little nugget or my little peanut. He was just so darn cute. I was such a proud big sister!

Who ever said it would get easier, lied. I think it gets harder every day. Each day I miss him a little more.

Tonight I found one of Supin's fish in distress. I was pretty sure he was dying. I think Supin felt really bad because he would not take the fish out of the tank until I walked away. I was just stunned to see the fish dying. I mean, I know it's just a stinkin' fish but I almost started crying. He must have seen it on my face. How pathetic....a stupid sucker fish got me all emotional.

Random Post Below

This sucks. The reality of the past two weeks is finally setting in. I feel sad all the time, like I am walking around in a fog. I am trying to stay busy with my 2nd job at Archivers and spending time with my friends. I go back to work on August 1st. I think being around all the kids might be kinda hard. I have been on a cleaning/organizing frenzy tonight. I can't stop. It's really hard to look at pictures of my brother. I won't be scrapping any of those pictures for a while. My stepmom was supposed to have her 2nd surgery today. I can't get a hold of anyone in Florida so I am not sure how things are going. My friend Karen got engaged to her boyfriend Tyler this past week. I know she is super excited!

Some things I learned about death/funerals:
1. family members will fight, a lot, over stupid, insignificant things
2. family members will say/do hurtful things during a time of sorrow, whether it's intentional or not
3. as cliche as it is, you really never know when it's your time or someone else's time to go
4. i never saw a dead body before seeing my brothers, it was cold and looked just like one of those "people" you would see in a wax museum
5. the grieving process sucks
6. people who say "let's celebrate so and so's life" to someone who just lost someone close to them, need to be hit

Slide Show

Here is a link to the slide show/movie made for my brother. It was played at his wake and funereal with the song, "I Can Only Imagine". The music on the webpage is different and not very good. I suggest clicking on the slide show.

http://www.mem.com/display/Biography.asp?id=916824

I have also updated my photo site: http://tpics.photosite.com/

Just More Crap

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all of the kinds words. I have included the article and obituaries from the newspaper.

For those of you that were wondering - yes, our biological father showed up at the wake and the funeral in all of his glory. He was a jackass (as usual) and said something hurtful and inappropriate to my stepmom. My sister and I did not speak to him.

More crap: my stepmom is back in the hospital and apparently her side of the family is trying to get custody of my sisters seeing that between my brother's death and my stepmom's illnesses, the family feels that my stepmom and her husband are not able to adequately care for the kids. I believe that the previous sentence is probably a run-on.

Update

The private family viewing will be on Wednesday, the public viewing will be on Thursday and the funeral will be on Friday. A trust fund is being set up with Suntrust bank to help with the cost of the funeral.

Very Sad News

I am still in Clearwater visiting my family. My little brother (Pete, 15) was killed in a 4 wheeler accident last night. The doctors said that he broke his neck and died instantly. He did not suffer.

There are no words to explain what my family and I are going through. I have never lost anyone close to me and I never thought the first funereal I would attend would be my 15 year old brothers,.

I will write more later...Sorry about any spelling errors or typos.